Thank you, God...it's Friday and that is good!

Yes, it has finally come and I only have one more hour of work today and then...game on...weekend! God certainly knew that we needed weekends, therefore it was! Yes, I believe that God created all things good. Wine, shopping, roses, wine, weekends, the beach, cats, dogs, kids (until they are 13) wine, cigarettes, sex, I Love Lucy, Andy Griffith, boob implants, wine...well, the list goes on but you get the general idea.

Then there are snakes. I know that it says in the bible that God made snakes. I have had this conversation with my evangelical seven year old. But I absolutely detest snakes. I will run over them and back up to run over them again. One day we came across a nasty-ass-rotten-heathen snake sunning in the road. I judged my distance, slowed down very slow to really crunch him and then baby son says, "Mom, they are God's creatures. He made them too." After much discussion, (still keeping my eye on the nasty-ass-rotten-heathen snake) I finally gave up and I said with all of my mommy-wisdom that has been bestowed upon me, "He made 'em but he don't like 'em either." (Imagine Clint Eastwood's voice, complete with squint and cigarette hanging out of my mouth as I jam the car in reverse to run over this snake for the sixth time.) "How do you know that, Mom?" asked this angel of love and compassion. "Because they ain't got no legs! They made God mad and he took 'em away!"

Thinking of that conversation reminded me of one that the King and I had last weekend. He was on the ladder in our bathroom changing out blown light bulbs in the ceiling fixture. He put the last bulb in and we turned on the switch illuminating with about 600 watts! I like it bright. Automatically, as with anything good, you need to be thankful. I was as I remarked, "And God said Let there be light and all was good in the hood!"

Now I know why I have never taught Sunday School!

Ya'll have a great weekend! Muwah...The Queen

A Selection From The Queen's Bedtime Storybook

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?' The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint.

The crocodile looked up and said,'Hey you!'So the koala looked down at him and said,'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...How much water did you drink!?'

Happy Thursday, ya'll! Love, The Queen

Quick post 'cause I gots to do better...

An open letter to Annie: (my nail technician)

Dear Annie (which by the way, I am 110% sure that is not your birth name),

It is so fucking hard to find one hour every two weeks to take the time to visit your facility and get my nails all prettied up. But I do. You see, I am a really prissy bitch so not having pretty nails burns me a new anal orifice. (Look that one up in your translation dictionary).

However, having to go back two days after you do them because you didn't let the fucking gel cure correctly on my little fingertips is a real pisser.

What's worse, dear one, is when two days after you half-assed the repair, the gel started to chip again making my little french tips look like sun baked fish scales glued on my long but lovely fingers!

And to top it off, you charged me $30.oo, expected your customary $5.00 tip and then had the nerve to ask the chick in charge, (the only one that can speak and understand the King's English)if there was a charge for the repair that happened because you fucked up!!

Well, Annie, there happens to be about 5678 different nail salons in town. So this week when I can steal away to get my nails done I will go to Susie's Number 1 Perfect Nail, Lee Top Nail, Wong's Long Dong Nail and let Susie, Lee or Mr. Long Dong perform their magic on my nails! Not you!

Thank you for the really bad nail job and I hope your regs, I mean legs, grow together!!!

Sincerely,

The Queen

Damn,how time flies when you don't blog! Or...I'm a lazy bitch!

This is my first post of 2009 which wouldn’t be so bad but it is June and here in my neck of the woods it is hotter than Satan’s armpit. Also, the humidity is a bitch!
I have no idea why I have always lived in the south, southeast, shit, North Carolina. I was born here. I have some remaining family here. I have some friends here. The beach and the mountains are not more than 2-3 hours away at best. But given all that, I should have left for a while anyway.
My husband pulled up stakes and left for California in his twenties. He’s been a goldminer, a cowboy/ranch hand, and a bartender to name a few. He tells me these stories and I can’t imagine. No goldmining for me! I am claustrophobic and well, it just wouldn’t go over real well when I hyperventilate and have a bad period at the same time. Cowboy? I’m scared shitless of horses and refuse to wear a hat due to “hat hair”. I have always envied a couple of my friends because they look so cool in a ball cap. It’s fucks with my doo and that is not good! Bartending is another no-go for me. I LOVE a good cold beer or twelve and can talk the horns off of a billy goat. Soon, I’d forget which side of the bar I was supposed to be on. Customers? What customers?
Needless to say, I probably would not have survived moving away from all that is familiar to me. Nope, I probably have done the right thing by being a citizen of Mayberry. Which one, though?
Helen? Nope, Helen was always a little on the uppity side for me!

Thelma Lou?
Way too sweet! Also, led by Helen…Uppity!


The there is the older folks…Clara Edwards…

Too damned nosy and two-faced. A shit-stirrer!

Awww, everybody loved Charlene Darling! I hate ribbons in any grown woman’s hair…sorry!



Well, that leaves this one:

Yep, always, happy Otis…
Okay, folks, first and maybe last post of 2009! Let’s go have a drink and toast the NEW YEAR!!! (I’ll drink to that!) Love, The Queen AKA Otis Campbell

Whoda Thunk It?!

Okey, Dokey, first things first... http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,331816,00.html

Drew Petersons third wife was murdered by drowning! Well, I am shocked! I am appalled! Whoda fuckin thunk it!!! This fucktard, asswipe, cunthead...(all other various and assorted vulgar names, insert here___)I cannot wait until they put his ass under the far right corner of the jail.

Is it something about the last name Peterson? Scott Peterson killed Lacy Peterson. Michael Peterson killed Kathleen Peterson. Drew Peterson may have killed Kathleen his third wife and it ain't looking too good for number 4 wife, Stacy Peterson as she has been missing for a few months now. But wait, lets look at the similarities between Michael and Drew. Michael had been the last person with Elizabeth Ratliffe(a friend of his) in Germany that fell down a flight of stairs for her entrance into the afterlife. Ruled an accident. After Kathleen (his wife) met the same fate with the same entrance into the afterlife, they dug up poor Elizabeth and ruled it a homicide. Michael's ass is now sitting here in a prison in Nawf C'lina. Drew was the last person with Kathleen Savio (ex or soon-to-be-ex). Kathleen's bathtub death was ruled an accident. When his fourth wife (Stacy) went mysteriously missing...you guessed it...sure 'nough dug up poor Kathleen and it is now ruled a homicide.

My advice to Drew, run, they are going to nail your sorry ass. But don't run towards Nawf C'lina. We do not put up with that kind of shit here!

Secondly, to all of you lovely ladies out there, if your future spouse is named Peterson, Run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On a serious note, there is no excuse for domestic abuse. If you can't live with a person without verbally or physically assaulting them, GET THE FUCK OUT! Especially before it gets to the point of taking a human life.

So, what's happening at the castle, you may wonder?

King's birthday went off wonderfully. We took a road trip to the beach last weekend. We love the drive and there is a particular flea market that we enjoy visiting. So last Saturday, sans the kids, we set off to the beach.

It's not very unusual for the King to take a detour along the way. If he happens to see a particular road that he's never been on, he'll just turn down it, get us lost, and eventually we get on course again. Happens every time we take a trip. No different, Saturday except, this was a little strange as to where he wanted to go. I HAD to see this place. After circling on and off of the highway like fucking buzzards for thirty minutes, he found this place...

A funking mental hospital!!!! Why pray tell did I have to see a looney bin, nut house, squirrel cage...is he trying to tell me something? Is this my future address? Shit, is this his birthday present to himself...to have my ass committed? I began to ponder...and ponder...and ponder. At the end of this endless tour, the Queen was holding on to the seat and sweating profusely. This amused the King MUCHLY.

Until, the Queen got even by doing this to all of the folks walking around the hospital:

It did not take long to get back on track to the beach!

Fuck with the Queen. I think not.

We have the greatest, craziest times together. He truly is my best friend!

But, I did get one over on him with his gift. He continually buys me very sweet gifts and trinkets that he knows I'll love. This year I bought him a new computer. (The only thing he loves almost as good as boinking the Queen is his computer, and it died this week.) That being said, he was speechless! I am so thankful that I was able to do that for him on his birthday this year.

I don't talk a lot about my work. For the most part, I really enjoy my job even though it entails working with thirteen Goddesses/Divas. I can usually put up with them but this one Goddess/Diva grips my asshole in such a way that you couldn't get a needle between my ass cheeks with a jackhammer. This is what she looks like:

Bitch in Pink!!!

Just had to get that off of my chest!

It's Friday, I've done my dance, hope all of you have a safe, drama free weekend. Peace out, love to ya and all that shit! The Queen

Things That Make You Go "Day-um" or Fucktard News (whatever...)

Check this shit out...

TAMPA - Edmon Vardanyan, who was charged with trying to kill a couple in their 60s and attacking them several times, was indicted today in federal court.
Vardanyan, 23, of 4202 Bismarck Palm Drive, was indicted on two counts of traveling in interstate commerce with the intent to kill, injure or harass, according to court records.
Vardanyan told investigators he was hired to kill the pair because they refused to pay a debt, the complaint states. He told investigators he was paid between $800 and $1,000 and had been offered $10,000 each to kill the couple.
Grigori and Galina Komissarchuk have homes in Sarasota and Brooklyn, N.Y., and have been attacked at least four times at their homes and other places, according to federal court records. In one incident, the attacker used a hammer. Both of them suffered skull fractures and other injuries.

Now, if you read this carefully when you got to the end you said, "Day-um!"

First of all, poor assholes (Grigori and Galina) did you not begin to wonder, um, let's say after the second attack, that someone had a target on your asses. No? How about after the fucking third one??

Now, let's focus our attention on the hitman! Edmon, Edmon, Edmon! How fucking inept can one person be? You are hired to kill one or two folks and after the first attempt, well, to sum it up, you fucked up. After the second attempt, well to sum it up, you fucked up. Yet after that, you still tried,(Little Engine that could...I think I can, I think I can...). Well to sum it up, you fucked up again! Give it up, fucktard. Killing folks ain't your game!! You may have the surprise element down pat but you just can't kill folks. But you are going to jail. So if you play your cards right maybe you can hook up with O.J. or Scott Peterson and they can tutor you on the fine art of murder. You dumbass!

Fucktard news, never fails to make me smile and say DAY-UM!!!

Special shout out to Parlancheq...no baby, I did not provide the token white folks at the function. I hear a good time was had by all! Next function I'm going. I am working on my tan so I can leave 'em guessing (I have been asked frequently "What color are you"...Nawth Calina has lots color varieties!) Now before the Asshole Brigade starts in with the racism shit, my folks were on the shore waving when the first ships got here!

It is a lovely Friday and the King and I will be celebrating his birthday this weekend. Number 48. Sexy Baby!! I love you!!! Smooches!!!

Peace out...The Queen

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

Here's a little something to pick up your spirits...

That poor bastard above aint me...

and it aint you...

Now doesn't that make you feel better!

Valentine's Love from the Queen!

P.S. Please pray that Aretha Franklin doesn't hook up with my blog...she may get pissed that I refer to myself as the "Queen". One blow from her boobies could send me into a coma!